Pancake’s Date Framework

I’ve always bemoaned the lack of good information about what to do on a first date in the community. There’s tons of information on daygame, nightgame, how to open, how to pull, but dates are the de facto standard for how most men get laid.

So finally I decided to write one. This compiles my findings from 300+ lifetime dates and 100+ instadates, as well as countless more that I’ve critiqued for other guys.

I’ve left off more advanced techniques I use, like frame setting, and a lot of situational adjustments that are too complicated to explain here. The intent is for this to be a beginner’s guide.

Setting the Date

Determine her archetype and her level of formality.

If she’s:

Younger and/or more casual → grab a boba/coffee/slice of pizza and go to a park bench. Especially if she’s under the legal drinking age. You can also try a coffee or tea place, but make sure it’s a romantic atmosphere.

Older and/or more formal → go to a nice bar or lively café (must have background music to allow for a private atmosphere).

The venue should be as close to your place as possible. If the girl tries to snatch the frame and make you meet near her, or meet in the middle, move on to the next one, as you’re dealing with a timewaster.

Do not do event dates or sit-down restaurant dates under any circumstance.

Pre-Date

Day of, send her a short, non-needy anti-flake text, like “looking forward to tonight ;-)” or “is it drinks time yet?”

60 to 30 minutes before, text her to let her know your ETA when she’s on her way. Arrive a few minutes before she does to scope the venue to account for any contingencies.

Greeting and Intro

As she’s arriving, you should be standing and maintaining eye contact with her. Don’t let her shake hands, instead make it very clear you’re going to hug her. As you hug, gauge her physical compliance level. Does she let it rest, or quickly pull away? This sets the tone for how you’re going to treat the date. If she lets it rest and seems compliant, you can even move your hands down her sides and have them rest on her hips. Then you can stand there for a bit talking to her maintaining that contact. Only 1 out of 10 girls will be OK with this level of physicality right away, so don’t push for it if the vibe isn’t there.

Pull away and order a drink for each of you. Pay the tab on the spot so you don’t need to close out at the end.

Ideally, have her sit next to you. If she sits further away, you can tease her and tell her to sit closer — a good excuse is making it seem less like an interview. If she won’t comply, though, don’t force it. Once you gain more compliance, you can ask her to come sit closer to you.

Sometime early in the date, you should figure out how she got there and how she’s getting home, and if she has early morning plans. This will give you a clue as to your pull probability and allow you to manage any objections early.

Subcommunication

You should maintain laser eye contact with squinting slayer eyes, looking away sometimes if she’s a value girl.

Your tonality should be slow, with a low, masculine voice. Don’t project loudly or overly react to things she’s saying. Talk cool, calm, collected, masculine. No uptalk.

You should be leaning back and staying loose. Leaning in is a sign of supplication. Make it look natural, not posed. Make it look like you own the venue.

When silences happen, that’s your opportunity to really crank up the subcomms. Move closer. Intensify eye contact. Also a great opportunity to do the “Stop staring at my lips!” / “Stop looking at me like that!” accusatory spikes.

Get to Know Each Other

Slowly start getting to know her. Good topics include FORD questions: family, occupation, recreation, and dreams. Avoid religion and politics. When she answers a question, don’t just jump right into another question. Respond with your own experience, challenge her on your response, or go deeper: “Why did you…”, “How did you…” You can tease sparingly during this part, but don’t overtease.

You can do some small talk at the beginning to get her warmed up, but very quickly your conversation should segue into deeper subjects that set off emotional triggers: travel, passions, family, and male/female dynamics. Figure out what makes her tick.

When asking questions, try not to get into interview mode. It’s much more powerful to lead by making statements about yourself and letting the girl answer of her own accord. Some girls will be too shy, though, in which case you can turn questions into statements: “Tell me about…”

Physically, you should be holding strong eye contact this entire time. Do as much kino as you feel she’d be receptive to at this point. This could be light touches to accentuate a point, touching her clothing or parts of her body as you ask about them, or even hand holding if things are really escalating fast.

Pull Pre-Seed

Around now, you should pre-seed whatever your pull excuse is. If it’s your rooftop, talk about how you got your apartment, and how it’s awesome, and how you have a rooftop. Don’t mention anything about her going to the rooftop yet. The point is just to warm her up to the idea and have her imagine herself there. Don’t oversell it.

Ramp it Up

At this point, steer the conversation more towards sexual topics. Good drop-in questions for this are: “So how are the guys in <your city> treating you?” or “Have you been in a relationship recently?” but there are many more ideas, just be creative.

From here, read what type of relationship she traditionally has been in. Whatever she answers, tacitly agree, but bring the frame more towards your goal. If she’s a casual girl, you’re down for casual. If she’s a serious girl, you’re down for serious, but make sure to mention you’re really big on physical chemistry and (if you’re there yet) how relationships without great sex don’t work out. You can soften this last part by telling a past story with this as a lesson, rather stating it directly.

If she’s compliant to sex talk, move into this part. Talk about preferences, figure out if she’s submissive, etc. As always, you can soften this by share some of your past stories and experiences so you don’t have to be so direct about it. Talking about a “friend” doing it can abstract it even further, for girls who are less comfortable.

During this portion. You really have to sense whether she’s comfortable and back off if she thinks you’re being creepy. If you she starts getting a bit reluctant to answer: “It’s ok, we’re just two open and honest adults having a conversation, there’s no judgement here.”

Also in this section, you should ramp up the kino. Put your arm around her, touch her side, rest your hand on her legs, even move it towards her crotch if things are going really well.

Pull Seed

During or after this portion, seed the actual pull. Mention whatever your pull excuse is, and future project you and her being there, but add a disqualifier, something like “I don’t know if I know you enough yet” or “I don’t know if you’re ready yet”. You want her to be qualifying that she is ready to pull. If she doesn’t bite, you know you have more comfort to build. If she bites, just say something vague like “We’ll see”.

Back to Comfort Building

You probably don’t want to keep talking about sex at this point, so ramp it back to deeper, non-sexual topics for as long as you need to build comfort for the pull pitch.

All of the advice from above applies, but feel free to ramp up the tension higher at this point. More eye contact, stronger kino if she’s compliant.

Pull Pitch

On a high note, pitch the pull you seeded earlier. You can act like she’s totally won you over and deserves to come.

If she’s hesitant, add a disqualifier to steal her objections from her, like “We can only stay for 20 minutes” or “You have to promise not to keep me up late because I have a bedtime”. If she still throws up objections, try and handle them as best as possible. Keep persisting until you get a no.

If she’s compliant, don’t waste any time. Say “Let’s go” and get the hell out of there before she can change her mind.

If it takes time to get back to your place, fill it with absolutely ridiculous banter to keep her forebrain off the fact that sex might be happening.

As soon as you’re through the door, you’ve pulled, and the rest, my friend, is home game.

If She Won’t Pull

If she says no, and you can’t overcome her objections, don’t act hurt. Act like it doesn’t faze you. You’ll need to try for a 2nd date bang.

If the frame is still really good and she’s into you, she may even suggest meeting up again. Agree to this frame, but don’t seem overly excited about it. You can make plans on the date, but you might even qualify her on them: “So how good are you at making homemade pizza?”

If the frame is neutral, you’re in a tenuous zone. Continue the date for a bit longer and see her off. Depending on your read of how she’s feeling, you might or might not soft seed meeting for a second date. Don’t make plans right there, wait until she’s gotten home and do it over text.

Other Considerations

Social Proof

If you’re in a bar or lounge, treat the staff with respect. Learn their names, ideally beforehand. It’s nice to have a regular place on lock where everyone knows you and you get excellent service.

Multiple Venues?

Another thing guys are obsessed with is doing two or three venues on a date. This is an old school method, overcomplicated, and not needed. Your framework should be getting from the initial meet to the sex location, without anything in between.

The only time a second venue might be needed is if you feel like a change of scenery and she isn’t quite ready to pull yet. In this case, a park or a walk around the neighborhood is just as good as any second bar.

To Kiss or Not To Kiss

Beginners are obsessed with the idea of “making out” on dates, but it’s actually suboptimal in every way. For one, many girls won’t be comfortable with public displays of affection. Two, there’s the chance you could get rejected early, and three, kissing destroys tension.

A better strategy is to build tension by teasing the makeout but not actually giving her the pleasure of kissing you. An example would be getting really close to her and making the first part of your movement like you’re going in for a kiss, but instead diverting and commenting on her earrings. Kissing relieves tension, when your actual goal should be building tension towards the pull. There are many other, more subtle ways of building tension other than kissing.

If you’re an ultra-beginner and you struggle with getting sexual, you can try kissing on some dates just to break you out of your shell, but long term it’s better to wait until you’re in a private location.