Flaking in the Bay Area is out of control

In the past two weeks, I have had plans with seven different women. Only one of those women did not flake. This, gentlemen, is the story of the San Francisco Bay Area.

First, let’s define what a flake is. I’ve heard different vocabulary for many different types of flaking, and I’d like to propose a standard set of terms. So, in order of severity:

Being ghosted is when a girl stops responding to your messages at any point before a firm date/time/location is set for a date.

Being flaked on is when a girl cancels firm plans with an excuse.

Being stood up is when a girl confirms firm plans, then goes radio silent and does not show up for a date.

Looking at it on this scale, it gets even worse: three of the seven girls girls flaked and three stood me up.

Imagine getting a phone number and knowing there’s a 5% chance you’ll ever see the girl. Imagine scheduling a date and knowing there’s a 15% chance it will ever happen. Imagine questioning everything you know about your own attractiveness and self-worth because you set aside your time for a girl and she did not respect you enough to even inform you that she wasn’t going to show up.

That is life in the pit of Hell. This is life in San Francisco.

I have had bad streaks before, like last October, when 85% of my numbers ghosted/flaked, but this is much worse. Much worse because after that time, I analyzed my texting, I switched things up, I got less wordy and more direct. I started pitching dates directly on Tinder instead of bantering back and forth.

Yet, when you encounter cases like this, it makes you think all the work was for naught.

I’ll humbly post texts from the above cases for self-analysis.

1. 21 year old Tinder match. After some innocent flirty banter over Tinder and text, she level-jumped sexually. Typically, I would give her plausible deniability and flip it on her by accusing her of “corrupting” me or something similar, but with the encouragement of the Playing with Fire Facebook group, I decided to amp up the sexuality. She stood me up and unmatched me on Tinder.

2. 24 year old Tinder match. Pitched wine and whiskey at a bar near me. She flaked on confirming the time, likely not interested in how far it was away from her.

3. 35 year old Tinder match with “no hookups” in her profile. Decided to 2-date her Blackdragon style. At the end of date one, I could tell she wanted it, so we ended the date with a really passionate kiss near her car. I also seeded the second date in person with her before she left. She flaked when I confirmed time.

4. 23 year old Bumble match. This girl has actually matched me three times on different apps. Pitched dinner at mine, she agreed, she then didn’t respond when confirming exact time, then respawned in the afternoon with a flake.

5. 18 year old Tinder match. Sexual conversation, pitched vodka at mine. Worked out logistics, she confirmed the night before, then stood me up.

6. 20 year old, DMed her on Instagram, originally pitched dinner at mine. When the day came she was non-compliant and wanted me to meet her near her work in downtown SF. I played hardball but she didn’t give in. Met her downtown and hung out for 25 minutes, once I got compliance to physical touch (we were sitting on a couch with her head on my chest), I invited her back to mine. She gave an excuse about it being far away and said “next time”. I ended the date pretty abruptly after that.

The next day, I hit her up again and surprisingly she wanted to meet up that night. Again, pitched dinner at mine, she agreed, told her to let me know when she was boarding the train, then radio silence, standing me up.

So there you have it. The most amazing thing about these cases is that two of them actually involved girls I had seen at least once and had some level of investment with.

Not sure how much longer I can take this behavior.

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6 thoughts on “Flaking in the Bay Area is out of control

  1. Magnum

    It’s funny you posted this because I’ve also noticed that it’s gotten worse since the New Year’s, both ghosting and flakes. I’ve seen an increase in girls dropping off after the first date as well, even if I get the lay.

    I think it’s the male/female ratio in this area and especially the ratio of attractive females to men. You have to be the best of a tremendous amount of options that women have here, including the fun nights out with their friends at the many, many things to do around here.

    In the short term my approach is to keep game as tight as possible (I do better the more 100% on I am) and to double book early and late dates so I don’t lose an evening if one flakes. Having a few regulars in the rotation helps as well. My feel as well is that you’re more likely to avoid flakes if you schedule on the quieter nights (Sunday through Wednesday) as opposed to nights with lots of options (Friday and Saturday especially).

    But my longer term approach is to move and am working on a plan for that. Every other place I ever travel to is a cakewalk by comparison, including NYC 🙂

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    1. >> It’s funny you posted this because I’ve also noticed that it’s gotten worse since the New Year’s, both ghosting and flakes. I’ve seen an increase in girls dropping off after the first date as well, even if I get the lay.

      Uff, if you’re seeing this as well, this is bad news.

      >> Having a few regulars in the rotation helps as well.

      For sure. If I had sex with even one regular girl a week, I’d be fine. Unfortunately, Because of the flaking issue and general lack of leads, I haven’t even been able to build up the stable of regulars.

      >> My feel as well is that you’re more likely to avoid flakes if you schedule on the quieter nights (Sunday through Wednesday) as opposed to nights with lots of options (Friday and Saturday especially).

      I’ve been letting the girl pick the day. I’ve found that girls are typically only free 1-2 days a week with all the stuff there is to do in SF. Sunday is by far the best day. I had three dates stacked last Sunday, and two held (one stood me up, and then the one that held stood me up on our second date).

      >> But my longer term approach is to move and am working on a plan for that. Every other place I ever travel to is a cakewalk by comparison, including NYC 🙂

      Would be sad to lose you, man, though I don’t blame you at all. I love everything about this place, except for the women.

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      1. Magnum

        I feel the same way but so it goes. Will take a while but I’m working to get transferred via work. I really like what I’ve found as I explore abroad.

        For SF though we just have to hang in there and keep working the volume, there’s peaks and valleys and with time we’ll hit those peaks.

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  2. horn

    1) Dinner at your house is always going to be an issue if you don’t have strong comfort game or they haven’t met you yet.

    2) Seems like you went for the beta bait in at least 2 of these.

    3) Logistics matter. When you live near where the hot girls hang out, they flake much less.

    Nit: I don’t consider a ‘flake’ when a girl cancels on you with plenty of warning or you never confirmed a time. Work runs late, life happens, people fall ill, maybe her period started and she’s feeling bloated, whatever.

    I’d guess you need to run more/better comfort game. Just a guess from reading this post if they’re not showing up.

    Or could just be a cold streak it happens. Even in cities with tons of friendly, hot chicks you get a 30% flake/stood up rate.

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    1. >> 1) Dinner at your house is always going to be an issue if you don’t have strong comfort game or they haven’t met you yet.

      For sure. I’ve been doing it more recently though, because I can’t stand wasting my time to meet these girls out when they’re going to flake anyway.

      >> 2) Seems like you went for the beta bait in at least 2 of these.

      In case #1 for sure. Which other one?

      >> 3) Logistics matter. When you live near where the hot girls hang out, they flake much less.

      Yeah, my logistics are legitimately terrible. I live in a neighborhood girls are actually scared to go.

      >> Nit: I don’t consider a ‘flake’ when a girl cancels on you with plenty of warning or you never confirmed a time. Work runs late, life happens, people fall ill, maybe her period started and she’s feeling bloated, whatever.

      I’d say most guys still consider that a flake. Saying “let’s do Wednesday evening” and then her agreeing means setting plans. The time is just details at that point.

      Also, cancelling with plenty of warning and *not* offering a time to reschedule is still a flake. Even when they do offer a reschedule, chances are like 10% at that point that we even see each other from past experience.

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  3. horn

    Why would you ever suggest ‘Wed evening’ and then not nail down the time?

    Let’s meet at Crow Bar, 8pm, Wednesday. It’s not hard! 🙂 Get the objections over and done with immediately if she can do 9pm but not 7.

    Logistics are critical. By far the #1 most important thing. More important than the size of your pad, or your money, or your job, or your social circle, or your ability to make a great first impression.

    Not going to argue semantics, but Life probably won’t go the way you want it to if you’re this uptight about scheduling. Especially if you haven’t met her out yet and you expect to be her #1 priority no matter what. You’re struggling for reasons that go beyond the occasional need of someone to work late or take care of a sick parent/friend and properly cancels with plenty of notice. We’ve all been there. [No-showing is of course inexcusable.]

    Realize that the common problem with all these failed pick-ups is *you* and adjust your game accordingly. Start double-booking, advice I know you’ve probably seen on the forum.

    Finally, if she cancels and doesn’t offer a reschedule time, you can assume [b]she was never coming out anyway and be happy[/b] she’s revealed herself as a time-waster, or immediately suggest an alternate date/time and if she doesn’t accept just NEXT her. Again, she’s saving you time and energy.

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